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The Musings (written by a "soul" finds "sanctuary"
at Soul Sanctuary) |
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I worked with a woman who expressed an interest in going to church with me. Every Sunday for weeks she would say she was coming. I would save a seat for her and it would remain empty. On Monday morning she would show up at work ready with another excuse for why she hadn’t shown up. Some of the excuses were of questionable veracity. I always just accepted her excuse and her promise to come the following Sunday – knowing that it was unlikely but praying it would happen anyhow. This went on for months. Almost every Friday she would say she was coming. On Monday she would come and tell me why she didn’t come. Somewhere in the middle of that time a job posting came up. My friend asked me if I was going to apply for the position. I said that I didn’t know and I was going to pray about it. She replied, “WHAT, AND DO YOU GET AN ANSWER?” When I answered that I expected that I would, she asked how. I went on to explain the best I could how I could discern God’s guidance in answer to my prayer. It wasn’t an easy thing to do but I did the best I could, talking about the different ways I had experienced God’s guidance. I didn’t think much about it after that encounter. I wasn’t trying to teach her anything or show her anything. I was just being myself. Several weeks later I noticed that my friend seemed to be struggling emotionally. I didn’t have a context to speak with her in private so I sent an e-mail. I said that I had noticed and assured her that it likely wasn’t as obvious to others since I sat right next to her and was sensitive to that type of thing. I offered support and also said she didn’t have to answer if she didn’t want to. I got a reply not long after I sent the note. My friend told me that she had been thinking about the conversation we’d had about God answering my prayers. She was indeed going through a difficult time and she felt like she needed God to speak into her life. She again made a pledge to attend church with us. She still didn’t show up but I could tell she was moving closer to God. When I was baptized I invited her to come. I wanted her to come because she was my friend and it was an important day for me. I carried the thought in the back of my head that if she heard twelve testimonies of people who had been impacted by the love of Jesus that she might be moved even closer to a relationship with God. After my baptism she came and talked to me. Her face was white and her eyes glossed over. All she could say was, “That was amazing.” She
showed up for the gathering on the following Sunday. She kept coming
after that. Eventually she got involved and was impacted by meeting
others at the church I was going to. It took so long for her to finally
come that there were days I wondered if she ever would. Now I can see
God had a plan of many things coming together in her life and mine.
It was truly a miracle in my eyes.
Quite often I find myself doing things that don’t totally make sense. There are times when I do something just because I think God wants me to even when it makes no logical sense. Often I will have a lot of valid reasons not to. I am not saying that living a life of faith means to throw out all logic. Sometimes you just need to ignore it. When I was baptized I made such a decision. I was just coming out of a very difficult time in my life. I had been a Christian for seven months and the opportunity had come and gone for me to be baptized twice before. I wasn’t ready then. So why was it that I decided to get baptized when I was swamped at work and I was spending every possible moment outside of work studying for an exam that would impact my future? Getting baptized at that time meant not only attending the event but attending a class and spending considerable time preparing a testimony. I also knew that I was likely to have a spiritual battle as well. I had been through that before. Really it would have made the most sense to wait but I didn’t. I was baptized anyway. Being baptized is one of the greatest things I have ever done. If you have never experienced full immersion baptism I can only say that it is like being reborn. For a moment when I came up out of the water, my mind went blank, like everything was new. I had publicly declared my faith and I was rewarded with a sense of a deeper level of intimacy with Jesus then I had known. It didn’t make me a better Christian. I wasn’t really a different person but I felt like one. There is something about that kind of commitment that changes someone. I
have recently made another decision that doesn’t make much sense.
It is not a life-event as baptism is but it is one of those things that
I am being obedient about. The very reason I am choosing to go ahead,
is that it doesn’t make any sense. When doubt creeps in I remember
the choice I made to be baptized. My prayer is that God will do as much
with this act of obedience as He did my choice to be baptized.
When New Year’s comes along do you say to yourself, “Yes, another New Year and another opportunity”? Or maybe it is more like, “Great, what else can get messed up this year?” Depending on what has happened on your life this year you are likely somewhere in-between on the spectrum. This weekend a couple from Soul shared the story of what had happened in their marriage during 2005. They also talked about the years leading up to 2005 and I couldn’t help but think that they must not have had a lot of hope for the year at the beginning of it. Yet on January 1, 2006 they renewed their vows in front of the people gathered at Soul. I, like most people I know, made a resolution to stop making New Year’s resolutions a long time ago. Yet, the end of one calendar year and the beginning of another does tend to give one pause to think about the past year and what we would like to change about ourselves or our circumstances. What stood out for me about the story of this couple is that huge change occurs as the result of making one choice at a time. This couple chose to seek God during their separation. They didn’t have to. They decided to work on themselves and their relationship with Jesus. They decided to go on a date after a period of separation. They sought Godly counsel and heeded it. And at the beginning of another year they chose to renew their covenant to each other. I
don’t know what this year will bring for me. I would never try
and suggest that we can choose our own destiny and that we are in control
of our circumstances. But I do wonder what would happen if I was able
to recognize all of the times God is nudging me. And what if I followed
all of those nudges? Where would I end up at the end of a year?
But at a birthday party for Herod, Herodias’s daughter performed a dance that greatly pleased him, so he promised with an oath to give her anything she wanted. At her mother’s urging, the girl asked, “I want the head of John the Baptist on a tray!” The king was sorry, but because of his oath and because he didn’t want to back down in front of his guests, he issued the necessary orders. So John was beheaded in the prison, and his head was brought on a tray and given to the girl, who took it to her mother. (Matt 14:6-11, NLT) I was curious about the biblical accounts of Herodias’s role in the death of John the Baptist so I looked it up. The story appears in two different accounts of Jesus’ life on earth. In both accounts what immediately follows is the story where Jesus feeds five thousand men (not to mention the women and children.) Up against this horrible story about a woman using her own daughter’s sexuality to have someone killed is this miracle of provision. Lots of things strike me about this. The first was the obvious contrast between the gritty story of Herodias’s daughter and the miracle of Jesus feeding thousands of people. Life is kind of like that. Really disgusting horrible things happen. Really amazing even miraculous things happen. I don’t think one necessarily happened because of the other. The two extremes of life often rub up against one another in a way that leaves us confused. The second thing that strikes me is that Jesus did what He did in the wake of finding out about John’s death. He wanted to pull back from ministry but instead this is what happened: As soon as Jesus heard the news, he went off by himself in a boat to a remote area to be alone. But the crowds heard where he was headed and followed by land from many villages. A vast crowd was there as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. (Matt 14:13-14, NLT) After spending the day healing the sick Jesus’ disciples point out that the people need to eat so Jesus feeds them. I can only hope that I could have anything close to this kind of compassion in the face of grief. The third thing is more of a question in my head than an observation. Did the thousands of people who were present all know what was going on? You have to think that there were five thousand men there and potentially thousands more women and children. They weren’t all close. Perhaps word did spread of what had happened. Maybe some of the people had no idea. Scripture doesn’t really say. How
often do I miss a miracle or even just a gift because I am not paying
attention? What am I distracted by? Am I close enough to Jesus that
I would notice what happened? Or would I be so distracted by what Herodias
did to John the Baptist that I wouldn’t listen to God’s
leading to heal the sick and feed the hungry? I need to remember to
pay attention; no matter what my circumstances are.
If Advent is about preparing for the coming of Christ, how am I preparing? Am I buying gifts and doing baking and cleaning my house? These are all good things. If someone important was coming to my house, I would prepare for them. There is nothing wrong with all of this but Jesus makes it clear that they are not the most important things when Martha, who has been making all of the preparations for a meal with Jesus, asks Jesus to tell Mary, who has been sitting down listening to Jesus, to get off her butt and help. Jesus basically says that it is Mary who is doing the right thing. So now you are saying to yourself, “blah, blah another person talking about the commercialization of Christmas.” Well here is the question. If Advent is not about buying presents and having parties and pulling the tabs off the windows on an Advent calendar with chocolates inside, what is it about? You can talk about preparing your heart for the Saviour. What does that REALLY mean? Is it doing some kind of cleansing ritual? That sounds decidedly un-festive! The holiday season is full of emotional landmines for me. I am constantly reminded of what I have lost or what I don’t have. I generally go through a period of mourning and sadness. This poses a problem for me in Christian circles. I struggle with what the ‘right’ way to be at Christmas is. Do I ignore my pain and just celebrate? I have found out I am not really good at that. In the midst of being reminded of loss and some of the places in my heart where holes are still waiting to be filled I find Jesus. I am realizing now that perhaps this thing I go through every year is my own way of preparing for Christ. I work through my pain and loss with Him. I marvel at God’s presence in my pain even during a time when Christians celebrate Jesus’ birth. Eventually I am able to celebrate that. I just don’t always make it in time for December 25th. Maybe this pattern is more than okay. Perhaps
this is how God has designed Christmas to be for me in this season of
my life. In a way I am fortunate because my circumstances force me to
dig into the truth of who Jesus is. I don’t think that I would
say that everyone has to ‘do’ Advent this way. The question
to ask yourself is how are you preparing for the coming of Jesus?
Luke
1:46-55 (NLT) A few days after Jesus’ mother Mary is visited by an angel, she goes to visit her relative Elizabeth. After telling Mary that she was going to become pregnant with God’s son he also tells her that Elizabeth is expecting – which is a miracle in itself given Elizabeth’s age. Elizabeth validates Mary’s perception that something incredible has happened to Mary. So Mary responds with a string of praise that many Christians sing today (especially around Christmas.) It always amazed me that Mary could have so much faith being essentially an unwed mother. When I really study what is happening here I realize I would be full of praise too. An angel visited me a couple of days ago and told me I was going to carry God’s son. A relative of mine, who is having her own little miracle, has just validated my spiritual experience. I wonder what time did to that sentiment. Did Mary have the same level of faith on the way to Bethlehem? Was she as excited about what God had done for her when she and Joseph find Jesus at the temple after being missing for a few days and Jesus’ response is that they should have known where he was? What about when Jesus says that Mary is not his real parent? How about when she watched Jesus die on the cross? I think that other people had figured out that this was a spiritual ‘high’ for Mary and there must have been lows. That is probably why the version of the song that I am most familiar with is more of a contemplative song than a celebratory one. It is an opportunity to look back on this moment. Sometimes
I like to sing this song over and over again. It reminds me of the times
in my own life when I have been on a spiritual high. It also reminds
me of Mary, for whom life must have been a struggle. I think about how
she must have wondered if all of this was going to work out. And then
I think about how important her sacrifice is to me and millions of other
Christians.
I used to love Christmas carols. I wasn’t a Christian but I loved the songs about Jesus’ birth. Sometimes, when I thought no one was around, I would play a Christmas album in the middle of the summer. I used to think it was because those songs were very ‘sing-able.’ And of course they made me think of the happiness I felt at Christmas. A couple of years ago I realized that, although I still love them, I don’t crave Christmas carols the way I used to. I realized that they had been replaced by some degree by the worship songs I sing on not only Sunday morning but any other chance I get. I figured out that what I was yearning for when I was singing Christmas carols was a spiritual experience, an opportunity to praise God. This is something we are all built for. So
even though I bemoan the commercialization of Christmas I can say one
thing. With all of the Christmas carols playing everywhere this time
of year, many people are praising God without even realizing it. I know
I was!
I have really struggled lately. At Soul we have been talking about suffering. At the same time, the part of the Bible I am reading right now are the letters from Paul. The theme of much of what I am reading is endurance through suffering. These teachings are everywhere I turn right now. I have had a tough few weeks. I wouldn’t quite say that this as a period of suffering. However, I have had several disappointments, set backs, and failures in my life. I was excited about the changes I was making. I felt like God was leading me. Now everything just seems hard. In times like this I have to stop and figure out what God is trying to teach me. Why is it that God would put something like this in the Bible? Romans
5:3-4 (NLT) I don’t want to rejoice at my trials. If being strong means that I have to suffer I’ll be weak. Endurance is getting old. I want comfort. I want to be happy all of the time. I want things to work out. I don’t want to wait for heaven to end this pain. I think I am responding in a perfectly reasonable and rational way. Passages like these can make me feel like God doesn’t care about my suffering. Or at least I can interpret them as that. But that hasn’t been my experience. I have sensed God is very near in times of pain. I could find just as many verses indicating that He is. So how do I reconcile the two? Yesterday I was thinking about all of this. Why are there so many references to having joy in suffering? Then it came to me. What is it that I know about God? I know that He wants what is best for me. These things aren’t just in the Bible because God doesn’t want to listen to us complain. He knows that this is best for us. He loves us and wants the best for us. 2
Cor. 1:4 (NLT) The times that I am able to help someone else are some of the most profound in my life. I find it especially meaningful when I can help someone even though I am going through a hard time myself. Without God’s comfort and support, I wouldn’t have been able to help. For
me the fact that I can use my experience, directly or indirectly, to
speak life to others does not diminish the fact that I have experienced
something painful. It transcends that. By helping someone I suddenly
find meaning in my whole life – my existence even. The suffering
becomes less important compared to what God is able to do through me.
That is an awesome feeling. I know that my story has become more than
redemption from pain. I never thought that would happen.
Come to Jesus and you will feel pain at a level that you never have before. You will be challenged to confront your demons. The things that you do that you know you shouldn’t will start to drive you nuts. You will become aware of new things that bother you – both in yourself and in the world. Issues that were inconsequential become vitally important. What a terrible sales pitch for Christianity! The problem is that all of that is true. My capacity to hurt and to grieve is much higher than before I became a Christian. When I watched television before I could do so without trying to figure out whether or not I agreed with the assumptions they were making about sex, homosexuality, euthanasia and the like. Now I have to sort out what my views on those topics are and how I will live that out. I have had layer after layer of brokenness peeled off of me and each of those layers have really stung while they were coming off. Sometimes I question which is better. Whether or not someone is a Christian, stuff is going to happen. So is it better to go through that with or without God? For me life used to be about getting through things in the least painful way possible. This makes a lot of sense. Why would I want to suffer if there is no point to suffering? I remember going through my mom’s illness struggling to survive. I would stay up as late as I possibly could; until I was falling asleep. I did this to avoid lying in bed by myself crying. Crying felt so empty and hopeless to me. I have gained the courage to feel things deeply. A person told me once that we don’t have several different switches within us that are labeled happy, sad, angry, and joyful. There is only one switch and it is called feelings. That has been true for me. Although I have felt pain at a level I never have before, I have also experienced tremendous joy. I
still have times when I am at home by myself crying. Those tears have
gone from being pointless to being profound. Now instead of just crying
I am crying out to God. Tears bring release. They bring cleansing and
healing. Those times have been transformed from seeming bleak to becoming
my definition of hope – that I am never really alone in my tears.
I didn’t become a Christian for the promise of heaven. I asked Jesus to come into my life because my life seemed hopeless and empty. I am fascinated by the ways in which God brings things together. If I would have had to consider heaven at that time, the decision to come to Christ would have been much more difficult.
My mother died a slow and painful death five years before I walked into a church. She had told me at a young age that there couldn’t be a God because there was so much pain and suffering in the world. I can hardly blame her. My mother had a hard life – many of the specifics of which I only found out later. She was bitter sometimes. She had a tough exterior that was hard to get through. She was also very thoughtful and wise. She had a lot of courage and resolve. What I have of those strengths, I inherited from her.
When I hear teachings about heaven, I have to admit I struggle. In a way I have the ultimate survivor’s guilt. You see, in many ways my mothers passing freed me. It freed me from the torture of watching her lose her life. In the larger picture of my life, it freed me to move forward and think for myself; a process that eventually brought me to Christ.
So did my mom’s crappy life make her an enemy of God? Why was I chosen and not her? I want to say that I can just surrender this, and I do. I also want to say that I know that my questions won’t matter in heaven, and they won’t. But all my heart is really able to say right now is I don’t know.
When I think about a time that I had to trust God the most, I think about three years ago. Several things came crashing down around me at the same time. I ended up being on leave from work. I thought that my life was over. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle what had happened. I wanted to trust God. I sought refuge but I couldn’t find it. I felt like everything was tumbling out of control. One day a friend phoned to ask how I was doing. I described my current state as being paralyzed. I would just sit on the couch and think of different things I could do. But as soon as I tried to make a decision, I would be pre-empted by some sort of other thought. So I just stayed on the couch. My friend suggested that perhaps she could get a group of people together to pray over me. That is not in my comfort zone but I was desperate so I agreed. Several days later my friend told me she had a vision about me. Instead of having people pray over me, she thought that we should just get together to worship. I really liked that idea. I love worship. I had found that even in the darkest times it brought me into the presence of God. A bunch of my friends showed up at another friend’s house to worship with me. They had done a lot of preparation – gathering lyrics from the church I was going to, photocopying, and even recruiting someone from our worship team to help us. It was a wonderful evening. We worshipped for quite a long time. Then they all stood in a circle and prayed over me. We all talked about things we were grateful for. It just all came so naturally. I won’t say my problems all went away. There was much more storm to come. I had visualization at the time that helped me through. I remembered a day I was sitting on my balcony watching a pretty severe storm. It was horribly windy and the rain was coming down so hard I couldn’t see very far. I saw a bird that was caught in the storm. It was flipping over and twirling around as the wind carried it every which direction. The thing was that the bird didn’t seem all that disturbed by all of it. The bird was just letting the wind carry it. I don’t know very much about bird behaviour or why the bird wasn’t flapping its wings or trying to regain control. I just remember the picture of this bird serenely gliding through the air. God was telling me I was like that bird. I might not be able to control the storm. I might be tossed and turned. But He is in the wind. He was watching me. I needed to trust Him. I
think what that worship experience did for me was to help me stop flapping
my wings aimlessly. I remembered how big and powerful God really is.
When things got rocky again I just thought about the bird. I tried to
just submit. I was tossed and turned and probably knocked up against
a few buildings. But eventually the storm ended. I was put on a safe
perch. And in the end, I was grateful for the storm.
I have been thinking about God’s majesty. Rather I have been thinking about why teachings about the topic of God’s sovereignty are hard for me. I think that our culture makes it really hard to celebrate Jesus as King. Today we want to equalize everything. We don’t like things to be more powerful than we are. Counsellors work to balance power. We like to call pastors by their first name. In fact last names, in large part, have just become qualifiers. They distinguish one Joe or John or Jim from another. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I think that our society has good reasons for wanting to equalize. We have seen people in power abuse that power. Perhaps on a personal level someone who has had power over us has used that power to harm us in profound ways. We carry those wounds with us into all aspects of life. It has struck me as really important to strive to understand Jesus’ holiness. I know it is too great for me to comprehend. I also know that I can do a better job than I am now. I need to push through only seeing Jesus as my friend. At
first I only had a sense that it was important. Then, the more I thought
about it, I understand why it is important. God’s holiness, majesty
and sovereignty are the truth. It is always important to embrace the
spiritual truths. Also, the more I celebrate God’s holiness, the
less I am likely to think that I am able to function on my own. Most
importantly, if I see Jesus as King, doesn’t it make it even more
amazing that He knows me at all?
I have wanted to write about discipline for a while now. I have had a couple of barriers. The first is that when you use the word discipline people stop reading. I would. I struggle to find words other than discipline for what I am talking about. So, let me say that when I am talking about discipline I mean listening to God. I mean doing (or not doing) what God wants us to do (or not do.) Second, and probably most important, I struggle with writing about discipline because to admit it is something I am working on is to admit it is something I am lacking in. So there, I said it. I am often undisciplined when it comes to living out faith. I love God. I am known for following nudges when it comes to offering encouragement and speaking life to others. I love worshipping to music. I think about God all the time. Other stuff – not so much. What have I learned about discipline? IT’S HARD! It is only by God’s grace that I am able to do it. If you struggle with this you need to know this. Discipline isn’t easy or it wouldn’t be called discipline. I am starting to notice that things are becoming easier the more I do them. But there is no immediate gratification. I haven’t been wonderfully blessed because I have chosen obedience. Why am I still doing it then? Well, first let me say why I hadn’t chosen to live a disciplined life. When I first became a Christian I tried to be the perfect Christian. I was pretty good too. For seven months I worked on being who I thought I was supposed to be. Then I crashed hard. The problem with this was this was all based on my own power. It was based on trying to be someone God wasn’t asking me to be. So once I realized that I needed to let go of my own picture of who God wanted me to be I came to a lot of healing. I learned to accept Jesus’ love for me. I stopped hating myself. I found peace with myself. I even liked myself for the most part. I rested in God’s love. I believe that God was happy to have me instead of the sanitized version of myself that I tried to be. Lately I have been called to a higher level of discipline. I have resisted. Not because I wanted to sin. I was afraid to fall again. It is like I fell in the mud and I have been lying in it for a while. It’s dirty but it is also kind of mushy and warm. I am used to it. I don’t remember what is up there. Getting up will hurt and if I fall again… Obedience
is coming for me one choice at a time. Slowly I am gaining a sense of
well-being, peace and freedom. As I slowly let go of my willfulness,
I am coming closer to Jesus. On more than one occasion I have found
myself on my knees asking for strength and courage. I have shared my
grief and pain with Him instead of turning to other things for comfort.
I am starting to realize that learning to rest in God was the whole
point.
I used to wonder if I could ever find a church gathering that was relevant for me. I would complain that the teaching didn’t really make a lot of sense in the context of my life and who I was. That hasn’t been my experience at Soul. I forgot something about relevant teaching. Sometimes teaching that is relevant is comforting.
Sometimes I feel fed and encouraged by it. Other times, I am challenged.
I am confronted with my broken sinful nature. I don’t like that.
Today I had the thought that the teachings that didn’t speak to
me weren’t so bad. I realized very quickly that I was misguided.
If I want to grow I can’t just be willing to be comforted. I can’t
hide from things. So I need to be willing to process teaching that is
relevant whether it makes me feel comforted or uncomfortable. I guess…
And I suppose that if all the other things Jesus did where written down, the whole world could not contain the books. (John 21:25 NLT) This is an interesting ending to a book of the Bible. It sounds so story like. Often the last line of a story foretells the future. It made me wonder if John was specifically talking about the thirty three years Jesus was on earth. Is it possible he meant something more general? Was John talking about all of the things Jesus continues to do for us? One Easter I was asked, along with eleven others, to speak about what Jesus had done in my life. Since this was only an element of the service and there were twelve of us (representing the twelve apostles) I was asked to write a short version of my story in five to eight sentences focusing on what Jesus had done in my life. Then someone would edit it down to three or four sentences. I have control issues. The ides of having someone else edit my story drove me nuts. I am pretty sensitive to how my story is presented. I don’t want to smooth rough edges. I also want to convey hope. So I tried to figure out a way to control which three sentences got in. Then I had an idea. Rather than write out my story I would write out eight sentences that start with “Jesus is...” I completed the sentences with the ways in which Jesus was working in my life in the present. That way any three sentences they picked would be okay with me. I thought about that experience as I read John’s words. Writing out those sentences was profound. I was able to articulate a real experience of Christ even in the present. I remember the list including things that centered on being healed from brokenness. I talked about being given the courage to face things rather than hiding them, being accepted and loved, and the experience of being forgiven. What is really cool is that I wouldn’t write out the same list today. It’s like the different words we use to describe Jesus and the Holy Spirit. At the time I would have used words like healer and counsellor. Now the focus of my spiritual life has changed. I am being challenged to think more globally. My assumptions are being turned upside down. I am moving from focusing on accepting who I am to accepting that I need to change (and working on changing.) And, when I get confused and overwhelmed, I find Jesus is still in the center of all of it. He brings me comfort, helps me to calm down and find peace in the storm. So,
what is Jesus doing for you? Is He bringing comfort in your pain? Is
He healing your brokenness? Maybe you are like me, in a period of asking
yourself tough questions. Or maybe you just feel like He is calling
you. You feel like you need to check this Christianity thing out. Whatever
your circumstance it is worth asking the question. What is Jesus doing
in your life today?
I am reading the Book of John. What I have started to notice is the number of times John mentions attempts to kill Jesus. They weren’t just plotting. They tried to kill him well before the crucifixion. Somehow Jesus would be just be gone when they tried to stone him. Then in Chapter 11 Jesus gets word that Lazarus (his friend) is sick. Jesus doesn’t go right away but waits for two days and then Jesus says that it is time to go to Judea. The disciples object to the idea because Jesus was just nearly killed there. Jesus assures them that they will be safe and tells them that he wants to go and wake up Lazarus. The disciples then say “well if Lazarus is sleeping he must be getting better.” Then Jesus explains that he meant that Lazarus is dead. Oddly enough it is not Jesus who puts an end to the discussion but Thomas: “Thomas, nicknamed the twin, said to his fellow disciples, “Let’s go, too – and die with Jesus.” (John 11:16, NLT) WHAT? The guy who is the picture of doubt for many Christians because he refused to believe until he saw for himself was the one to end the argument. He had compelling reasons to think that they might die. There had been many attempts to kill Jesus in the chapters preceding this one. Thomas was the one to stand up first and be willing to go back to Judea and possibly put him at risk for death. Given the context of this passage I have every reason to believe that Thomas was sincere in his willingness to put his life on the line for Jesus. So how is it that he got to the point where he wouldn’t believe that Jesus had risen without proof? I can’t imagine what it was like for the disciples in the days following Jesus’ crucifixion. I know that those would have been incredibly dark days. They had been a part of something that only God could create. They had seen miracles. They had been set free. They walked in the assurance that they were loved by God. They had seen God in the flesh. Then, in an incredibly violent way, it was all over. There have been times where doubt has been a theme for me. Most of those times were after I had been through some kind of crisis. There are times where, in the absence of evidence, it is natural to doubt. I imagine Thomas wondering whether what he had experienced was real at all. Had he been foolish to believe that Jesus was the Messiah? I know that even in my times of doubt and questioning I have never really lost that part of me that loves God and is willing to follow. I may wonder if God is going to intervene in my part of His story. I may question whether He really knows my heart specifically. I may even wonder if He is on my side. He gives me what I need to quiet my conflicted soul. You see, it is not really answers that I need in those times. Or perhaps it is only one answer I need. Yes, God loves me. In the end Thomas got what he needed. Jesus invited Thomas to do what he needed to reassure himself. There is no mention of Thomas actually sticking his finger into the holes in Jesus’ flesh. Thomas only said, “My Lord and my God.” (John 20:28) I think that Thomas knew Jesus from his willingness to give him what he needed. Thomas knew Jesus from the love that was tailored just to him. That heart that had been willing to follow earlier just needed to be reassured. |
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